There ought to be a law...

 

Come on people. How many 62 year olds do you know that could pull this off? A bikini? At HER age? (and this is a current photo of Helen Mirren - taken this summer). Dang I hate her. Even if I wired my jaw shut and lost 50 pounds I wouldn't look this good. I only looked this good one day in my life and I have a photo to prove it - but you don't get to see it ... unless I get three comments begging me to post it. Then I "might" consider it. Oh heck, I'll post it just to show that I really did once have the goods.  The problem is, even though she's thirty something years older than I was in my best shot, I'm afraid she'd still win.

This brings back the memory of another sad story: the best looking woman at my 40th high school reunion was...my art teacher! It's a sad day when, after forty years, a TEACHER is better looking than any of her former students.

(I'm pinning Helen's photo up on my fridge - maybe it will motivate me to quit "grazing")

The Dark Knight = Satan!

I saw the Batman movie a few days ago and I didn’t like it. I thought it was TOO dark. But I thought that was just me. Amy and Kyle saw it tonight and Amy hit the nail on the head when she said the Joker was Satan. He wasn't motivated by money or power - his only motivation was to turn good into evil. Amy didn’t just “not like” the movie - She hated it. She said it was not only dark, it was so dark that the spirit actually left her. The spirit couldn’t be in a place that dark. She came home, turned on a taped session of General Conference, and started throwing away all her DVD’s that had any “questionable” scenes (Grease, Sixteen Candles, Night at the Roxbury, etc.) because she didn’t want her kids to watch movies with those scenes in them. At first I thought she was over reacting, then I said, “You know, I think you are doing the right thing because it is just like the analogy of the frogs. If you put frogs in boiling water they would hop right out. But if you put them in cold water and increased the temperature just one degree at a time, they’d continue to be comfortable until it was too late. They wouldn’t realize when the water got hot enough to kill them. Each time we see a movie with a scene in it that is uncomfortable, we just ignore it thinking it’s not that bad and the next time we see a similar scene, we don’t even get uncomfortable.”

Parents, don’t let your kids go to this movie!!! I’m sorry I went. It should have been rated “R”

A Mighty Change of Heart

I visited another ward’s gospel doctrine class today because somebody I knew was teaching the class (my daughter). It was an awesome lesson (in my unbiased opinion) – jammed packed with spiritual jewels. Basically, she talked about the difference between “belief” and “conversion.” The difference being that when we are converted to the gospel we are compelled to act: To change our ways and follow the Lord. There was one analogy in particular that has been playing and replaying in my mind that I’d like to share with you. She asked the class if any of them had ever tried to go up a down escalator. It takes a concerted effort. If you stop moving forward, you immediately get dragged down. She likened that to trying to follow Christ. We have to be continuously moving forward, upward toward our Father in Heaven. If we stop, we get dragged down by Satan and worldly desires. She challenged us to pick one thing to work on for 21 days. It didn’t have to be anything big like quit smoking or drinking. It could be something like controlling our anger, being kinder to our family and friends. Whatever we choose we must make a sincere effort to improve that quality in our lives. Since I’m perfect, I don’t have anything to work on…oh wait, I guess that’s my problem. It’s that old “pride” thing again. I guess I have to quit thinking I’m so perfect. But for 21 days…come on.

In keeping with this subject. Here is a list we received from our Bishop enumerating the qualities that indicate a change of heart:

1. Faith crowds out doubt
2. Fear, worry, and insecurity are replaced by peace, self assurance, and self confidence
3. We have no disposition to do anything outside of the will of God
4. We develop an unquenchable desire to serve and help others
5. We generate an uncompromising fidelity to worthy causes
6. We are content in any of life’s circumstances
7. Time becomes precious and is used in worthwhile endeavors
8. We have a keen desire to align our lives with what God would have us do
9. There is a constant striving to realize our full potential here in mortality
10. Our relationships take priority over self centered desires
11. There is a striving for truth and the Spirit that conveys it truly becomes a constant companion
12. The tendency to be critical of others is replaced with a desire to be encouraging to those around us
13. Our ability to live in the present and hope for the future is strengthened
14. The Word of Wisdom takes on new meaning
15. Things of the Spirit overshadow the vain things of the world
16. We develop a great desire to be in the Temple
17. The adversary’s influence in our lives becomes ineffective
18. It is impossible to offend us
19. Our desire to share the Gospel impels us to action
20. Our countenances change to reflect the light of Christ
21. Optimism becomes a constant and enduring quality in our lives
22. We are reminded often of the love God has for us
23. We adopt the Atonement of Christ as a central and fundamental part of our life here in mortality
24. We communicate with God continually
25. We generate a desire to put everything around us in order
26. Repentance becomes a daily activity

Stars Without Makeup

Okay girlfriends, are you ready for this? Apparently we can all be 100% better looking. All we need is a make up lesson.

This is just a teaser. For more, go to: starswithoutmakeup.blogspot.com

2-Ingredient Cookie Recipe!

A two-year old could make these cookies - Heck, even my mother can make these cookies*

2-Ingredient Macaroons

1 (14 oz.) package Angel Flake Coconut

1 can sweetened condensed milk (not evaporated milk)

Mix and drop by tablespoon (or use about a 2" melon-baller) on a cookie sheet sprayed with Pam (or use parchment paper). Bake at 325 for 12 minutes or until lightly browned.

Gourmet Variation: you can add a whole almond on top of each before you bake, and then when the cookies cool, either dip or drizzle them with melted chocolate...voila....Almond Joys!

*I say this because my mother doesn't cook. At one time she seriously was considering remodeling her kitchen and taking out the stove because she never used it. She was trying to think of what she could use that room for instead of cooking. I finally convinced her that if she ever wanted to sell her house, no one would buy a house with no kitchen. She abandoned the project. (I gave her a cookbook one year for Christmas that said, "My Favorite Recipes" and when you opened it, it was all blank pages). She has gotten together with her friends four times a year for forty years to play bridge. They rotate who brings the treat - except my mother has been exempt because they all know she doesn't cook. But my mom surprised them once by bringing a pie she had seen in Family Circle Magazine. It was an ice cream pie. All you had to do was put your favorite ice cream in a frozen pie shell and put canned whipped cream on it. One of her friends said, "Betty brought the pie." My mom said, "How did you know?" She said, "because you're supposed to BAKE the pie shell first!"

Note: If YOU have a great 2 or 3 ingredient recipe, I WANT it! Put it in a "comment" to me. Thanks

Measure of a Man

I watched the movie "The Bucket List" again last night and something hit me that I missed the first time. " It's difficult to measure the sum of a person's life. I believe you should measure yourself by the people who measure themselves by you." That is really a profound statement and deserves some reflection.

Most people in today's world measure themselves by how much money they make and/or have accumulated. It's like they believe that whoever has the most toys when they die, wins. But you'll never see a Brink's truck following a hearse. We can't take our money with us when we die, but we can take our integrity.

Are you measuring up to your expectations? Have you taken the time to evaluate your expectations to determine whether they are "worthy" or "worldly?" It's never too late to set worthy goals.

You are 20% better looking than you think!

The next time you look at yourself in the mirror say, "I'm 20 percent better-looking than I think. " It's true. And here's the reason. While you're just looking at your appearance, others see your charisma, intellect, kindness, -- whatever makes you, you.

This was the big news today on AOL. Genius. It IS true. I know a lot of people that I think of as really beautiful - but if you analyze their looks or showed a photo of them to someone who didn't know them, you'd have to say they were just average looking.

The best example I can think of was the Homecoming Queen at my high school. We all thought she was beautiful - because we knew her. When my daughter's see my high school annual they say, "She was the homecoming queen?"

So I say, instead of trying to improve your looks with makeup, botox, or cosmetic surgery, try being a little kinder, more considerate, more tolerant, etc.

"...the Lord seeth not as man seeth; for man looketh on the outward appearance, but the Lord looketh on the heart." I Samuel 16:7

Do the very best you can - Always.

I’ve been thinking a lot lately about a true story that my sister-in-law told me several years ago. She had a friend who was an orthopedic surgeon. One day, after an exhausting day of surgeries, he was about to leave to go home when he was paged to report to surgery again. There had been an accident and a sixteen year old girl had an injury that would most likely cause her leg to be amputated. He answered the call and immediately went to work. He could have taken the easiest and quickest route – amputating the leg. But he had a sixteen year old daughter himself and he knew he had to try to save the leg if he could. After the surgery, he again prepared to go home and one of the nurses stopped and asked him, “how is your daughter?” He looked confused so she said, “The girl they brought in that you did surgery on was your daughter. Didn’t anyone tell you?”

You can imagine what was going through his head. “Did I do everything I could? Would I have done anything differently if I had known she was my daughter?” Fortunately he could answer “yes” and “no.”

We can always think of an easier, quicker way to do the things we do. But we don’t always know what could have been if we had gone the extra mile and done it the best we knew how. You have probably heard the story (don’t know if this is true or just a fable told to make a point) about the wealthy man who felt sorry for a home builder who was struggling so he thought he’d help him out by having him build a home. The wealthy man told the builder to spare no expense. But the builder took advantage of him. He submitted receipts for top of the line materials, but substituted inferior quality materials and pocketed the difference (probably justifying his actions by thinking the wealthy man could afford it and he needed money). When the home was completed, the wealthy man handed the builder the keys to the house and said, “The house is yours. Enjoy it.”

I’m sure the builder's heart sank when he thought back on all the shortcuts he’d made. Now that the home was his, he wished he had done it right.

We don’t get “overs” in life. Things are what we make it. Why not make it the very best we can.

Punctuality

I am an on-time person. I hate to be late and I hate others who are late. I think it is not

only rude but self-centered to make everyone wait for you. The trouble with being

punctual, however, is that nobody’s there to appreciate it.

Chick Flicks

I love chick flicks. I love the actors in chick flicks: Julia Roberts, Meg Ryan, Sandra Bullock, Tom Hanks, Hugh Grant,…Patrick Dempsey. I called my daughter after seeing “Made of Honor” and told her I had my photo taken with Patrick Dempsey (above). She got all excited – then I had to fess up. She said, “I always wondered what kind of lamo person would do that – now I know.” My favorite chick flicks of all time are: The Holiday, While You Were Sleeping, Sleepless in Seattle, Much Ado About Nothing, Pride and Prejudice (I even liked “Bride” and Prejudice – the Bollywood-style musical version starring Aishwarya Rai), The Devil Wears Prada, Pretty Woman, Bridget Jones, Four Weddings and a Funeral, The American President, Something's Got to Give, My Big Fat Greek Wedding…and, if you really want to go back a few years, how about Pillow Talk? What did I leave out?

EXERCISING

You say "exercise," I say, "wash your mouth!" I run every morning….to the bathroom. I hate anything that even resembles exercise. I get guilted into an exercise class from time to time (the longest was a personal trainer that Jennifer and I went to. She’s been going for years – I lasted four weeks) and I’ve purchased numerous workout tapes (which are still in their shrink wrap) but I’ve never stuck with any program, ever.

I’ve owned a Life Cycle and a tread mill. Probably put in a total of 60 minutes on each then gave them away after about five years collecting dust.

Jennifer talked me into taking a boxing class with her – I even bought red boxing gloves (not pink like most of the sissy ladies – what kind of warrior would wear pink boxing gloves?) But I only lasted about four weeks.

I was determined to get on a walking program. I probably stuck with that longer than anything I’ve ever tried. But quit that too and have no desire to start again.

The last time I went to an aerobics class, I bent, I twisted, I jumped up and down and sweat a ton and by the time I got my leotard on, the class was over.

It is not that I don’t have the time to exercise. I just don’t want to.

So, yeah, summer is here and I'm not in swimsuit shape. So what. Even if I lost 40 pounds nobody would want to see me in a swimsuit anyway.

Yum. Is that chocolate you're eating? I'll have some.

(Anybody know where this fitness center is? Looks like my kind of place.)

Talents

President Gordon B. Hinckley said, “You need never feel inferior. You need never feel that you were born without talents or without opportunities to give them expression. Cultivate whatever talents you have and they will grow and refine and become an expression of your true self appreciated by others.” (from his book, One Bright Shining Hope) .

“Thou shalt not idle away thy time, neither shalt thou bury thy talent that it may not be known.” D & C 60:13

Too many people feel that because they can’t play an instrument, or they can’t dance or sing, that they have no talent. I can’t do any of those things but I consider myself very talented. I have a talent for putting others at ease, for being a good listener, for seeing what others need and trying to provide it, for showing my love for others, for being a good friend, etc. There are so many other talents. So, let’s have some fun with this one.

Make a list of all the things you are good at and/or enjoy doing. Could you do it professionally? Would you want to? For instance, I love to arrange flowers. I could be a florist (but would I want to? No). I love to plan parties. I could be a wedding planner (hum, I actually think I'd have fun doing that...unless the bride had her own ideas of what she wanted ... nevermind.) You get the idea.

(I won First Place in my division and a "Special Award" for overall best entry for my floral arrangement and table setting at the Rancho Santa Fe Garden Club's Flower Show)

Talk About "Sick" and "Twisted"...

When I say "sick," I'm speaking the way the judges who judge dancing competitions speak when they mean, "totally awesome." They also use words like, "stupid" and "ridiculous" to mean, "you're the best dancer we've seen today." If you missed the premier of "So You Think You Can Dance," you HAVE to watch this video - ALL of it. it starts out slow, but keep watching. It is worth it. (if you don't have time to watch the whole 4-1/2 minutes - fast forward it and watch it from 3 minlutes on). This guy is like no one you have ever seen in your life. I had the original clip from the show, but it kept disappearing from my site so I put this one up because he does all the same moves. (I know, videos aren't "blogs" but I wanted to save this video somewhere so I'm putting it here so you can enjoy it as well. - -You're welcome).

Criticism

I don’t like to be criticized for anything anytime. I don’t take it well. I get defensive. If someone accuses me of something, my response is, “It happened before I was born!”

Unfortunately, the only way to avoid criticism is to say nothing, do nothing and be nothing.
Sorry, I just can’t do that. So, I would rather be criticized by a very wise person, than have the enthusiastic approval of a fool.

Perfection

If no one and nothing is perfect, why do we try so hard to make it so? My house isn’t always perfect (and I don’t care – it’s good enough for company). My kids aren’t really perfect (at least that is what others would have me believe), and I’m not perfect (well I am, but I’m not at liberty to say that – however you may feel free to think it if you’d like and I won’t argue with you). But when I start a project, any project, I go into it trying to make it perfect. It won’t be, but if that is my goal, then it will turn out a whole lot better than if I just go at it half way.

The good thing about me is that when things don’t turn out perfect, I don’t beat myself up over it. I know that I did everything I could and the rest has to be up to whoever else is involved. There is always going to be somebody who slacks off. There are a lot of people who say they want to help, but when you ask them to do something, they don’t do it. I keep the receipt and don’t ever ask them again. When I really need something to be done, and done right, I know who to call. (That’s why there is an old saying that if you want something done, ask the busiest person you know, not the one who has nothing else to do. Believe me – that it true!)

My advice to you is not to hold yourself up to anyone else’s standard. Just like golf, if you try to play up to the club champion’s level, you’ll feel like a failure. Every golfer is competing only with himself and trying to improve his own game.

Rappin' Grandma

One thing you'd be surprised to learn about me is that I am very fly. I've got the down low on J Lo, Lohan, and Brangelina. I'm even into gangsta rap! (Push play on the "Tea Partay" video link to kick it old school!)

(I know it's a joke - don't send me "You're retarded" e-mails.) I'm blogging aren't I? I have a My Space page. How cool am I?

Word from yo' mutha! Peace out.

Conspicuous Consumption

How’s this for one-uping the Joneses:

Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston spent $1 million on their wedding
Michael Douglas & Catherine Zeta Jones = $1.5 to $2 million
Donald Trump’s wedding to Melania cost $4 million (her dress alone was $200,000) -that, of course, doesn't count the
. . .$35 million it cost him to build the ballroom he added to his home to house the reception.
Not to be outdone, Tom Cruise & Katie Holmes wedding was rumored to be $5 million
The richest man in Australia (James Packer) was rumored to have spent $6 million

(Do I hear $7 Million? )

It’s not just weddings that get out of hand. Naomi Campbell spent $1.8 million for her 36th birthday party in Dubai (can’t wait to see what she does for her 40th).

Malcolm Forbes spent $2.5 million on his 70th birthday (he flew 800 of the world's rich and famous (including Elizabeth Taylor, who was his co-host) to the Tangiers event.

Kimora Lee Simmons spent $30,000 on her Christmas tree!

Donatella Versace never leaves the house without wearing at least $190,000 worth of jewelry.

You can buy a $5,000 hamburger in Las Vegas at the Fleur de Lys in Mandalay Bay. It is a Kobe burger containing foie gras, a truffle sauce, and is served on a brioche truffle bun with black truffles on the side. It comes with champagne (you get to keep the glass) and a certificate proving your purchase (so you can brag to all your friends ). Vegas also boasts a $1,000 martini (at the Capital Grille in Las Vegas.) The "High Roller," named for the Vegas Strip, includes a diamond pave ring. For each cocktail sold, about $500 goes to Share our Strength, a charity that battles hunger around the globe. I'm not a drinker myself, but if you are, you might want to try it. Ingredients: 1 1/2 oz vodka, 3/4 oz Grand Marnier® orange liqueur, 2 - 3 drops grenadine syrup, and 4 oz orange juice.

Chicago has a $950 Ruby Red Martini created by Pete Gugni, a manager at the trendy Reserve Club in downtown Chicago (it is garnished with a 1 carat ruby at the bottom of the glass). Again, for you drinkers out there who are curious, here's the recipe:

Ruby Red Martini Recipe:

Stir together these ingredients (the gemstone is optional):

1.5 ounces Grey Goose L'Orange vodka

0.5 ounce Hpnotiq cognac

0.5 ounce orange juice

0.25 ounce Pama (pomegranate) liqueur

A splash Dom Perignon champagne ($120 to $130 a bottle)

If you want a vacation to top all vacations, you can take a 10-day trip to the International Space Station for $20 million and for an extra $15 million you can take a 90-minute walk in space. Now that’s an out-of-this-world vacation!

In the affluent community of Rancho Santa Fe, the Brandes flew in Elton John to perform at their wedding (he gave them a red piano and autographed it in gold ink). Paul McCartney was flown in for Wendy Whitworth’s 40th birthday party - they’ve since divorced. ( “Can’t buy me love”)

Even with all the conspicuous consumption going on, when asked what they really really want, they will all tell you: “good health, happy children, and peace of mind.” (yeah, right). When I consider how those funds could have been used for more humanitarian purposes, it grieves me. I don't think these "peacocks" would spend their money in this manner if there were not others to watch and envy them. To me, ostentatious living is vulgar.
(Note to any wanna be peacocks out there, ...a whale only gets harpooned when it comes up to spout.)

I think this is what the Lord was cautioning us about when he warned us that although we must live IN the world, we are not to be OF the world. We are called to a higher standard.

Letter to My Younger Self:

When I was sixteen, I wrote a letter to myself to be read when I turned twenty-one. Then when I was twenty-one, I wrote a letter to myself to be read when I turned thirty. It was interesting to see what was important to me and what I thought I would be doing at the next stage of my life – compared to what I was “actually” doing. It never occurred to me to write a letter to my “younger” self. However, after reading “What I know Now” I’ve been thinking about what advice I would give to myself if I could go back in time knowing what I know now.

I would talk to my thirty-year-old self and say, “you are NOT fat, you are NOT stupid, you are NOT dorky. Quit comparing yourself to what you think you should be. Enjoy the piece of chocolate that is in your mouth right now instead of thinking about what you’re going to choose to eat next, and after that. There is always going to be someone who is better looking than you, thinner than you, smarter than you, and richer than you – don’t even think about them. Focus on your own talents and continually look for ways to share that talent with others. Don’t dwell on the past. Don’t dwell on the future. Live in the present – because really, that’s what each day is - a present (gift). Open it with enthusiasm in the morning and put it away each night looking forward to what tomorrow morning will bring you (what new challenge? What new opportunity?). Do everything you do to the best of your ability. You are stronger than you think. Don't let fear hold you back. The consequences of all that you fear are not nearly as bad as the regret of what is missed while standing on the sidelines. You are better than you think you are and you will accomplish more than you ever thought possible.”

I thought I was fat because when I watched the Miss America pageants the contestants that were my height (5’9”) weighed 115 lbs and I weighed 135 lbs. I thought I had no talents because I couldn’t sing, dance or play the piano (I didn’t know being thoughtful, kind, and a good listener were talents). I thought I was stupid because I had a short-term memory. I did well in school until it came time for finals at the end of the year. I had to study all the material over again because I couldn’t remember what I had learned at the beginning of the semester. I thought I was a dork because most of my friends were dorks (I was always nice to the kids that the other kids picked on). Now I look at photos of my younger self and want to kick my butt.

$50 Million Dollar Charitable Donation

I was watching Lipstick Jungle last night (I know, I’m a loser) and the multi-billionaire boyfriend bought a Van Gogh painting at auction for $50 million dollars. That really got my blood boiling. If I had $50 million that didn’t mean anything to me, I’d rather see it do some good for society. But what would I do? I think I’d rather give one million to fifty causes than to give it all to one. What do you think?

How about a compromise: I think the first thing I would do is buy (or build) an apartment complex to provide free housing for the homeless – probably two: one in a residential area for families with children and a different one near a treatment center for those with drug and/or alcohol addictions, or mental problems. Then with whatever was left, I’d do things for children ( a million each to: the Make a Wish Foundation, the Ronald McDonald House, local foster care facilities, Cystic Fibrosis, Special Olympics, etc.)

If I were going to start a charity, I’d want to help families who have had to declare bankruptcy due to medical expenses incurred trying to cure, or manage, a family member’s illness (childhood cancers, deformities, etc.) I’d want to help them get back on their feet again (buy a home, college fund for children, etc.)

What would YOU do???

"Millenial's"

I’ve always considered myself a “baby boomer” even though I was born a few years before the official start of that generation. The “Greatest Generation” ended in 1924, so I can’t lay claim to that one. Generation X is from 1965 to 1982 - Not it. There really isn’t a name for us in-betweeners (except maybe “pot heads” – and I wasn’t one of those) unless you just want to call us “Tweeners” (and I don’t like the sound of that – so I’m sticking with “baby boomer” ).

The next generation of note is the “Millenial’s” – those born between 1980 and 2000. Seems to me this tag should have started with those born in 2000 – but no one asked me. Their claim to fame is that they are the Luxury generation. There’s an expectation that they deserve luxury now – it’s not something you wait for and earn. They are called the prematurely affluent generation. (I want to be them).

I’ve always wondered who was buying all the Louis Vuitton’s, Chanel’s, Gucci’s, etc. The ads in the magazines always feature extremely chic attractive young women. I thought it was their way of saying, “if you buy our products you’ll look like this.” But now I realize that what they are saying is, “if you look like this, buy our products.” That is their target demographic.

I know what you're thinking..."Only in America...." But, no. It's even bigger in China and Saudi Arabia.

What I want to know is this….who’s paying for it???? How can twenty somethings afford this lifestyle? I’m baffled.

Minimize Your Regrets

We've all said or done things we wish we hadn't. For us average blokes, those things slip under the radar and don't come back to haunt us - but you never know. The minute you become a person of interest, all hell can break loose.

I was watching the Doctor Phil show a few weeks ago and he said something that should be written down on a sticky note and stuck on every bathroom mirror around the globe: "When you choose the behavior, you choose the consequences."

I'll bet you a nickel President Clinton wishes he had given a little forethought to his decision to engage in a little foreplay in the oval office - and Eliot Spitzer wishes he hadn't hooked up with a hooker.

My mother wasn't big on giving me advice when I was growing up. But the one thing I remember was her telling me not to do anything that could come back to haunt me later. She said, "you don't know now what you will be doing in the future. What if you marry someone who has political aspirations and runs for office and the press finds out you experimented with drugs, or there are nude photos of you floating around somewhere." I took that counsel to heart and never went down those roads (or anything close to them). I'm a happier person as a result of the choices I've made in my life.

Think before you act and you will minimize your regrets.

Shoes, shoes, and more shoes....

What is it with women and shoes? Why do we buy into the hype? Pointed toes so sharp they could poke the eye out of a spider, heels so high we can't walk in them - there are even women who have surgery on their feet in order to fit into Manolo Blahniks. I remember the day the New York Times blasted Imelda Marcos for owning 300 pair of shoes. Women across America were in their closets counting and whispering, "and the problem with that is...?"

I owned a pair of shoes once that I adored. They were absolutely adorable wedges. Unfortunately, they weren't very stable and I fell three times before I finally threw them out. It wasn't the falls that deterred me - fashion took precedence over falling...until I actually hurt myself and required stitches - that's when I finally made the decision to toss them.

My biggest problem with shoes has been trying to find them in my size. I've always been on the outer limits of the manufacturer's size charts: I graduated from high school wearing a size 9 AA shoe. After I had Amy I wore a 9-1/2 AA. After Jennifer, a 10 AA. By the time I was 50 I wore a 10-1/2 AA. The last pair I bought was an 11. (They'll have to bury me barefoot - it's dang hard to find a shoe bigger than a size 11)

(footnote: I did a little research and found out that Imelda Marcos was actually accused of having 3,000 pair of shoes. But she vehemently denied that. She said she only had 1,060)

Dirt

I may lose a few of you here. You may think I’m headed for the funny farm. (deep breath) I collect dirt. Not salacious gossip kind of dirt. The brown stuff you plant things in. I started collecting dirt when I was in high school and embarked on my first travel abroad. I went to Greece and Turkey. I was sitting on the steps of the Parthenon on the Acropolis and noticed all the tiny specs of marble in the dirt. I thought to myself, “This marble used to be part of the Parthenon. How cool would it be to take some home with me.” So, I reached in my backpack, took out a film canister and scooped up a tablespoon full and labeled it. From then on, I would bring back a film canister of dirt from where ever I traveled. I later found some clear plastic test tubes and transferred all my dirt and relabeled them. A friend of mine made a special display case for me and voila - A dirt collection.

Before you get all excited and decide to start your own dirt collection, I have to warn you: Some places (like the Parthenon) are on to us. There are actually signs posted now warning tourists not to take the dirt! (I guess if everyone who went there did that, the Parthenon would be on flat land instead of a hill. If I ever go there again, maybe I'll bring the dirt back...or not.)

My Favorite Joke:

I know, a joke is not a blog. But hey, blogs should be entertaining right? I don't know about you, but I seem to be on everyone's mass mailing list for jokes and I get hundreds of ridiculous e-mails. I usually delete them without even reading them. However, once in a while (when I'm bored) I'll read them. Here's one that I was glad I read:

Mr. and Mrs. smith went to the doctor's office. after Mr. smith's checkup, the doctor called his wife into his office alone for a chat.

The doctor said, "if you don't do the following, your husband will surely die. Every morning, make him a healthy breakfast; do your utmost to keep him in a good mood; for every lunch, make sure he has a balanced meal; for dinners, serve him full courses with a glass of wine; don't burden him with chores; don't worry him with your problems; and most importantly, shower him with kisses at least several times a day and be sure to satisfy his needs."

On the way home, Mr. Smith asked his wife what the doctor had told her.

"He said you're going to die." she replied.

My Heroes:

Our founding fathers signing the Declaration of Independence

Who are my heroes? Do I look up to movie stars, rock stars, sports figures, or politicians? No (although looking at their salaries one would assume that those are truly our idols). I suppose I used to think they were pretty special, but the older I get, the more I realize that they are not that terribly important. the people I most admire are those that put everything on the line for what they believe in: The soldiers who are risking their lives every day in Iraq: The firemen who ran up the stairs of the Twin Towers on 9/11; Policemen who work in dangerous communities; People who live a life of service (school teachers, nurses, soccer coaches, people who work with the blind, handicapped, deaf, etc., people who volunteer at the special Olympics) - these are the people I most admire.

Who am I forgetting? I know, our founding fathers risked their lives for us as well - and I truly do admire them. Unfortunately, there are none like them today. Who am I kidding - there has NEVER been anyone like them since (what a sad commentary on our political history).

Chocolate

Women are obsessed with chocolate. We make up any excuse to eat it (as evidenced by this article which made its way around the country via e-mails)

”Chocolate is a vegetable: Chocolate is derived from cocoa beans. Bean is a vegetable. Sugar is derived from either sugar CANE or sugar BEETS. Both are plants, which places them in the vegetable category. Thus, chocolate is a vegetable.

To go one step further, chocolate candy bars also contain milk, which is dairy. So candy bars are a health food. Chocolate-covered raisins, cherries, orange slices and strawberries all count as fruit, so eat as many as you want. If you've got melted chocolate all over your hands, you're eating it too slowly.

The problem: How to get 2 pounds of chocolate home from the store in a hot car.
The solution: Eat it in the parking lot.

Diet tip: Eat a chocolate bar before each meal. It'll take the edge off your
appetite, and you'll eat less.

Chocolate has many preservatives. Preservatives make you look younger. Put "eat chocolate" at the top of your list of things to do today. That way, at least you'll get one thing done. A nice box of chocolates can provide your total daily intake of calories in one place. Now, isn't that handy?

(By the way, ‘Stressed’ spelled backward is ‘desserts.’ )”

Me? I'm following in the footsteps of the world's oldest woman. She eats two pounds of chocolate a week!

Bucket List

A bucket list is a list of all the things you want to do before you die (kick the bucket). When I was in my late twenties, I made a list of 101 things I wanted to do before I died (I had to cheat a little bit and include things I had already done because I couldn't come up with 101). Now that I'm in my sixties, I've already done almost everything I had on my bucket list - and some things I crossed out because I don't want to do them anymore (like be on TV, be in a movie, and live in the White House - who was I kidding?). About the only thing left is travel, and if I don't hurry up, I won't want to do that anymore either. I guess I'm going to have to come up with a new list. Any suggestions?

New Year's Resolutions

Silly me, it's almost the end of January and I haven't talked about New Year's resolutions.

I always used to make the same New Year’s resolution: Lose Weight! The diet would last about one week – which was about as long as any other resolution I might have made. I finally quit making resolutions because I never followed through on them. What I came to realize is that you can’t make resolutions once a year. That kind of resolution is doomed. Resolutions need to be something you continually resolve to do. Like anything else that is worth doing you have to start TODAY not tomorrow. Anything worth doing can’t be put off until tomorrow.

I like President Gordon B. Hinckley’s resolution: “Each of us can do a little better than we have been doing. We can be a little more kind. We can be a little more merciful. We can be a little more forgiving. We can put behind us our weaknesses of the past and go forth with new energy and increased resolution to improve the world about us, in our homes, in our places of employment, in our social activities.”

Simon Cowell Quote:

"You know what's amazing about this country is that you are genuinely happy when someone you know does well....I just couldn't be like that."

I'm speechless.

Does This Outfit Make me Look Fat?

I used to think this question was a joke. It’s not funny anymore. I ask it every time I get dressed to go out. Worse, if the answer is, “yes,” the outfit goes in the donate to charity bag. I pay more attention to compliments. Whenever I get one, I make a mental note and hang that outfit in a special section of my closet for keepers (so when I want to look especially good, I can grab one of those outfits).

I’ve developed some rules of thumb to keep in mind when I shop:
1. Don’t trust the department store mirrors! I swear to you they have installed skinny mirrors. I know this because when I try on outfits at the store, they look great on me so I buy them. But when I get home, I look like the fat lady in the circus.
2. Go for dark, columns of color (black, navy, dark brown, burgundy, forest green, or charcoal). If I want to add color, I’ll add a long scarf that ties and drapes down the front. (No big flower print or big plaids…and no horizontal stripes)
3. I have a round face - so, no round necklines. V-necks and scoop necklines elongate the neck. (That includes necklaces. They have to be 18” or longer).
4. I’m short-waisted so, if I wear a belt it has to be the same color as what I’m wearing and it has to be big enough to hang like a hip hugger. I almost never tuck in a blouse. If I do, I wear a belt that matches the top, not the skirt (because if it matches the skirt, it shortens your neck to waist area even more. By having the belt the same color as the top, you give the illusion of a longer torso.)
5. No gathered or pleated skirts or pants (they just add more bulk to your middle).
6. Wear fitted jackets, not the boxy ones.
7. Wear a feminine pointy-toe shoe with at least a 1" heel (to lengthen your legs).

What amazes me is that in this day and age, when everybody knows that over 60% of women are overweight, why aren’t there designers who design for us? I have to shop in the plus-size department and all the clothes look like they were designed by Omar the tent maker. My daughters were always complaining about the clothes I bought so I took them with me. After spending about three minutes in that department, they looked at each other, then me, and said, “Oh. I see what you mean. Sorry mom.” They got it.

When I was younger and thinner, shopping was a no brainer, and fun. Now it is a science, and a chore…and usually not worth the effort. Even when following all the rules, you’re only going to look ten pounds thinner, at best. So, as long as you are more than 20 lbs. overweight, the answer to the question is always going to be, “yes!” So lose weight, or get over it.

(Just look at the difference just changing your top and shoes can make.)

P.S. This is what my husband had to say about it: "It's not the outfit that makes you look fat, it's the FAT that makes you look fat." (Where's a baseball bat when you need one? I think I need to do a blog about what NOT to say to women. )

I Dare You...

No, I DOUBLE dare you to ask for this blush at the make up counter.

A few months ago I had a large basket of groceries so I thumbed through a magazine while I was waiting to be checked out. I ran across an article about the year's best make up products. I gasped when I read their pick for the best blush. The name of it made me blush. I thought, "How could they get away with that?" (the name of the blush was "Orgasm" by NARS).

A few weeks later I was at the mall and I stopped to check out blushes because the one I'd been using had been discontinued [That could be a whole blog - but I'll shorten it for you: When I was a teenager, my favorite lip and nail color was Mocha Polka. I was heartsick when it was discontinued so I wrote to the manufacturer and they wrote back saying, in effect, "We only discontinue colors that nobody likes so if you didn't have such bad taste in colors, we wouldn't discontinue them." (Well, they said it in a kinder, gentler way - but that's what they meant.)] So, back to the blush. I remembered that NARS had the best blushes so I went to the counter and tried out various colors until I found the one I liked. The color names weren't displayed so I had no idea what the name of it was and I didn't have my reading glasses with me so I couldn't have read it anyway. When I got home, I liked the color so much I decided I wanted to buy some more (just in case it gets discontinued) and when I got my magnifying glass out, I discovered it was "orgasm!" Which told me two things. They were right about the color being good on everyone; and that apparently my taste in colors has improved over the years.

There was no way I was going to go back and ask for it. So I went online to order it. I still couldn't believe that they named a product that name and thought maybe it was some kind of mistake. But when I saw that they sold a gift set containing the blush and a lipstick to match and they called it "Multiple Orgasm," I knew it was no mistake. That says a lot about our society. How sad is that?

P.S. I didn't buy the extra blush. That was my way of protesting - as if they'd ever know - or care.

November, 2008 - I guess my boycott didn't work. Another brand (Rock & Republic) has jumped on the bandwagon with three new blushes: Kinky, Immoral, and X-Rated.

What I Know for Sure

Since it is Sunday, I wanted to leave you with some serious thoughts. Oprah has often talked about what she knows for sure. Here is was I know for sure:

You have to take God out of the "sky" and put him in your heart.

To whom much is given - much will be expected.

You have to listen to that still small voice within you.

You can't just tell people you love them. You have to SHOW them.

You become what you spend your time with. (side note: when my daughter read this, her comment was, "Mom, if you become what you spend your time with, you'd turn into a computer!")

Everything happens for a reason.

Sometimes good can come from bad things. That doesn't mean you can't be angry or sad. You just have to get through it.

We were born to create and live a joyful life. Our job and our challenge is to figure out how.

It is our indifference that allows evil to exist.

I am stronger than my fear.

I'm going to be all right - no matter what happens.

I am loved and I have loved well.

Everything will be all right in the end - and if things are not right, then it's not the end.

And, last but not least, the one thing I know for sure is that I will die! However, I'm not dead now, so I owe it to myself and others to live - with joy and with honor.

Label Whores

(Paris Hilton at Bondi Beach in Louis Vuitton bikini)

The first time I heard that expression I was shocked. It has such a nasty ring to it. But the person who used it was referring to Paris Hilton and how she only wore designer dresses, shoes, bags, & jewelry. Label whores want everyone to know they are wearing designer labels, so they seek out things with the designer's name all over it (Gucci, Louis Vuitton, etc.)

I never wore designer clothes because I was never willing to pay the high prices. But the older I get, the heavier I get, and it is so depressing shopping for clothes, that I've started "fat-girl" shopping - which means I shop for shoes, handbags and jewelry. When I turned 60 I bought my first designer handbag. Now I have my eye on a pair of designer shoes. Oh oh. I'm getting dangerously close to being called a nasty name.

Big Words

I mentioned in my previous blog that I consider myself pretty good with words. However, it annoys me when people around me get all pedantic and try to impress me with how smart they are. I like to shut them up by saying, " When promulgating your esoteric cogitations, or articulating your superficial sentimentalities, and amicable, philosophical, or psychological observations, beware of platitudinous ponderosity. Let your conversations and communications possess clarified conciseness. In other words, don't use big words!" (This brilliant comeback has been attributed to Mark Twain and Grenville Kleiser - I don't know for sure who actually came up with it, but there are several more sentences if you want to look it up. I don't go any further because then I'd be the obnoxious one. (My husband says, "Too late. That whole diatribe is pedantic and obnoxious and you become the buffoon to shut up.")

It's kind of like reciting the prologue to the Canterbury Tales in Old English. Just because you can, doesn't mean you should. Reciting a few lines is one thing, but if you go any further - instead of impressing people, you will become the object of their pity.

I still recommend memorizing things like this anyway. When someone starts rattling on, you can pick up where they leave off for a line or two more just to smack them down. However, if you do decide to use this or anything like unto it, don't let anyone hear you do it more than once. Once is funny. More than once is pathetic.

My Favorite Books

I don't read because of any deep passion for reading. I read because I think in order to be well educated, one must read. I read a minimum of four books a year, but rarely more than ten. Since I don't read a lot, I'm very picky about what I read. I don't want to waste my time. I read book reviews and ask my friends what their favorite books are.

Many books have inspired me in unusual ways. For instance, when I was reading The Copper Beach, the town was so well described I decided to see if I could make a map of the town. I did and had fun doing it. (I left a copy of my map in the book so whoever picks it up will have a nice surprise). A Very Private Woman: The Life and Unsolved Murder of Presidential Mistress Mary Meyer peaked my curiosity about the group of artists with whom she associated. I looked them up on the internet to see what their paintings looked like. A Woman of Substance had such an incredible vocabulary and used words that I'd never heard of before (and I pride myself on my knowledge of words) so I circled all the unfamiliar words and looked them up. Mother of Pearl had so many similes, I underlined them all (at least one on every page). I loved all the recipes in Under the Tuscan Sun. I added them to my own recipe book.

Reading gives you an opportunity to live more than one life. You get to be in someone else's head and experience a whole new way of living and thinking. You experience different cultures (Shogun and Memoirs of a Geisha) and periods of history (Pillars of the Earth, and the two historical novels about the mughal empire of India in the 16th-17th century which introduce the reader to the two women who inspired the building of the Taj Mahal: The Twentieth Wife and The Feast of Roses). You get to know historical people on a personal level as if you were a visitor in their home, or lived next door and were privy to all their secrets (biographies of Benjamin Franklin, John Adams, etc.)

I LOVED A Treasury of Royal Scandals by Michael Farquhar. I looked up all the royals (and their paramours) on the internet to see what they looked like, then cut and pasted them into my own personal reference book.

Encyclopedia of an Ordinary Life changed the way I organized my personal journal. Instead of putting an entry in every day, I made an alphabetical listing of topics (kind of like "blogs"). I think that will be much more interesting for my posterity to read.

I especially liked reading The Woman He Loved (about the Duke and Duchess of Windsor) because that is the time period in which my grandmother came to America from Hungary and I'm sure that whole affair is what people were talking about at the time.

To round out my favorites: Pride and Prejudice, The Great Gatsby, Tuesdays with Morrie, and The Diary of Bridget Jones (I know, what's this doing here - hey, I loved Bridget. What can I say?)

We only have one life to live, but when we read, we have more. And, it makes the life we do have richer and fuller.

Anti-Aging skin products

This must be a billion dollar industry because every skin care manufacturer has an anti-aging line. Not just a product, a whole series of products. Each one targets a specific problem you weren't even aware you had until they pointed it out. Age spots (I thought they were freckles), cellulite (I hadn't really spent any time checking out my backside in the mirror), wrinkles (if you need a magnifying mirror to see them, you don't need the product), dull skin, etc. I didn't know I needed a serum to make my eyelashes grow longer and thicker - I thought that was what mascara was for. There is a cell renewal emulsion that speeds up cell turnover, prevents wrinkles, and keeps you from getting age spots. Who knew? I also need an intense hydrating cream - one for my face, and another for my body (and it should have copper in it. Don't know why), and a firming cream (gotta have that). Almost every product has sunscreen so by the time you put on the actual liquid, cream or powder to "even out your complexion and add that rosy glow" you've layered an spf 15 over a 10 over a 20. But that doesn't give you an spf of 45. Your spf protection is only the highest you applied. In this case 20. And if none of those products had a UV protection, you're still going to get burned and wrinkled.

There is a special product just for those fine lines and wrinkles cropping up around your lips. Don't forget the eye cream. You can't just use face cream. Eye cream is specially formulated for the tender skin around your eyes.

Of course, before you apply all of the above, you need to start out with a squeeky clean face. So you need a gentle scrub to exfoliate, and a toner to close the pores afterward. A pore minimizing cream or lotion is also a good thing, right?

Apparently if I had been using Vitamin K, I wouldn't have any spider veins. The sun and tanning booths are no no's so you need a self-tanner to hide the little buggers (again, one for the body and one for the face).

All these products have been "clinically proven" to work. So they must work, right?

Now that I've added all these products to my beauty routine, I need an extra suitcase when I travel. However, on my last trip, the airline lost one of my bags, you guessed it - the "make up bag." I haven't bothered to replace anything and you know what? I haven't aged a day. I'm doing just fine without it/them.

Have any of you found any products that actually do what they say they'll do? I'd really like to know.

Am I Hot?

Well, here's one giant leap from the last post.  On the one hand, I talk about being more virtuous - and now I 'm asking if I'm "hot?" ( Call me crazy, but that just goes to show you that you'll never know what my next blog will be about - so keep coming back to see what's next.)

Once upon a time there was a movie called "10." It got every woman in America rated on a scale of 1 to 10 (1 being a dog and 10 being "hot"). Not too long ago there was a ridiculous TV show called "Are You Hot?" It got me thinking...was I ever "hot?"

When I was younger, I wouldn't have given myself a particularly high score because I didn't think my face or my body was a "10" - ever. But now, looking back, I'd say, "Hey, I wasn't that bad." I had a great face and a great (not perfect, but great) body. I'd give myself a 9.2 for my face and body and an 8.5 on my overall sex appeal. That was "then."

I'm 62 years old now and, you know what? I think this old face is fabulous (considering my age). I give myself a 9.2 for my face. My body on the otherhand, well - I'm 40 lbs. heavier than I should be, but I'm in pretty good shape for the shape I'm in. People wouldn't describe me as "fat" (my friends aren't that cruel). Considering my age, I'd give this old bod a 5. No, wait. I can't compare myself to the women I know who are my age. They are all exceptional women who are far above the national average for their age. If I compare myself to all the women in America - except Bo Derek -my age, I'd be an 8 for sure.)

Bo Derek at 50 - still a ten

For overall sex appeal I'd have to give myself a big ha ha ha. I can't imagine anyone thinking I'm "sexy" - even for my age. But then, "sexy" has never been my goal. I've always gone for "classy." On the classy scale, I give myself a 9.5 - then, and now.

Bottom line: Am I Hot? Ho ho ho NO. But do I care? Not at all.

So, how about you, are YOU hot? (Caution: Don't include the likes of Heidi Klum in your calculations. Models and movie stars are off the chart - they are 11's & 12's. Go to the the airport, the mall, the grocery store -- how do you compare in the real world?)

As for me and my friends....

New Year's Resolution:

I always used to make the same New Year’s resolution: Lose Weight! The diet would last about one week – which was about as long as any other resolution I might have made. I finally quit making resolutions because I never followed through on them. What I came to realize is that you can’t make resolutions once a year. That kind of resolution is doomed. Resolutions need to be something you continually resolve to do. Like anything else that is worth doing you have to start TODAY not tomorrow. Anything worth doing can’t be put off until tomorrow.

I like President Gordon B. Hinckley’s resolution: “Each of us can do a little better than we have been doing. We can be a little more kind. We can be a little more merciful. We can be a little more forgiving. We can put behind us our weaknesses of the past and go forth with new energy and increased resolution to improve the world about us, in our homes, in our places of employment, in our social activities.”

So I decided to work on being a more "Virtuous" woman.
When most people talk about a "virtuous" woman, they are referring to the fact that she doesn't "sleep around."  I'm not talking about that kind of virtue.  I'm talking about character.


The word virtue is defined as “Moral excellence. Conformity of one’s life and conduct to moral and ethical principles.”

The Greek philosophers determined that there were four “cardinal” (primary) virtues that if a man possessed, he would be in good standing with the Gods. These were: Fortitude, Temperance, Justice, and Prudence.

Benjamin Franklin had his own list of virtues that he felt were desirable and that he ardently sought to acquire. He worked on just a few at a time and actually made charts to keep track of his progress. These were:

Temperance ("Eat not to dullness, Drink not to elevation")

Silence ("Speak not but what may benefit others or yourself. Avoid trifling conversation")

Order ("Let all your things have their places…")

Resolution ("Resolve to perform what you ought. Perform without fail what you resolve")

Frugality ("Make no expense but to do good to others or yourself: i.e., waste nothing")

Industry ("Lose no time. Be always employed in something useful. Cut off all unnecessary actions.")

Sincerity ("Use no hurtful deceit. Think innocently and justly; and if you speak, speak accordingly.")

Justice ("Wrong none, by doing injuries or omitting the benefits that are your duty.")

Moderation ("Avoid extremes. Forbear resenting injuries so much as you think they deserve.")

Cleanliness ("Tolerate no uncleanness in body, clothes or habitation.")

Tranquility ("Be not disturbed at trifles, or at accidents common or unavoidable.")

Chastity ("Rarely use venery but for health or offspring; never to dullness, weakness or the injury of your own or another’s peace or reputation")

Humility ("Imitate Jesus and Socrates.")

These are excellent “social” virtues. But the way I look at it, the most important virtues aren’t on either of these lists. If you want to talk about “Godly” virtues, the ones that one needs to acquire to be worthy of Heaven and to be in God’s presence, theologians add: Faith, Hope and Charity . But I say there are more. I would add:

Honesty

Sacrifice

Compassion

Service

Gratitude

Patience

Love


Now we’re talkin’. Looks like I’ve got a lot of work to do. Should keep me busy all year. How about you?

(Maybe we should all make a list of the virtues we’d like to work on this year)

Nobody Cares What This Old Geezer Thinks

Or do they? Just because I'm over 60 years old doesn't mean I have nothing to say worth listening to. I've just completed an autobiography for my posterity and it was over 500 pages - so, apparently, I have LOTS to say. The question is, does anybody care? We'll see.