Happy Halloween!

(Sorry I stole your cartoon Kory - but imitation is the most sincere form of flattery)

“A Girl’s Got to Accessorize!”

I love Halloween. It's my second favorite holiday (Christmas is number one). I dress up every year. This year Amy's family is dressing as the Wizard of Oz characters. Amy is Dorothy, Kyle is the tin man, Lincoln is the scarecrow, and Emerson is the lion. It's a no brainer to figure out what I'll be (a wicked witch). Jennifer is Captain Hook and Adam is Neo from the Matrix.

Lincoln, Kyle, Emerson & Amy
Jen and Adam

Photo credit for greeting card: Dennis Mosner-card@1997 Avanti Press, Inc.

2-Ingredient "Fudge"

With all the holidays fast approaching, I thought I'd share this quick, easy, and delicious fudge recipe. It tastes just like the fancy, slow cooking, candy thermometer kind. If you don't tell, they'll never know. Just a note: The only 12 oz. cans of frosting available in stores around me are the "whipped" frostings. The fudge turns out a little too soft for my taste, so I prefer the 16 oz. cans of regular frostings and I just use 3/4ths of the can. But, to each his own.

2-Ingredient “Fudge”

Ingredients
1 (12 ounce) can (or 3/4ths of a 16 oz. can) of ready to spread chocolate frosting
1 (12 ounce) package chocolate chips*
(I like nuts, so I add chopped walnuts)


Directions
1. Melt the chips in a 4-cup glass measuring cup. Microwave for 1 minute @ 50% power. Stir. Microwave another minute at 50% power.
2. Add frosting and stir until combined. (add nuts if desired)
3. Pour into an 8x8 pan sprayed with Pam cooking spray.
4. Chill until set, about an hour.


*You can use milk chocolate or semi sweet. Try any other flavor combo you can think of.
For Thanksgiving: I like Nestle’s butterscotch morsels and vanilla icing and I add chopped pecans.

For Christmas gifts: white chocolate chips, vanilla icing and add dried cranberries and pistachios (note to mom: you have to take the nuts out of the shell !)

Scroll down to see my 2-ingredient Macaroon Cookie Recipe

No Electricity!

I woke up an hour late this morning because the alarm didn’t go off. I went into my bathroom and turned on the light, but the light didn’t come on. I tried to brush my teeth but my electric toothbrush wouldn’t work. Ah ha. No electricity. So I brushed the old-fashioned way. I took a shower, but didn’t wash my hair because I couldn’t blow it dry.

I went to the kitchen to make some toast, but remembered there was no electricity so I had a bowl of cereal. (When I opened the frig for milk, I realized that if the electricity didn’t come back on, all the food would spoil). How will I cook dinner? No stove, no oven?

I couldn’t watch TV, I couldn’t use the computer, I couldn’t vacuum the house, I couldn’t do the laundry. I couldn’t even make phone calls. “ I know, I’ll go shopping!”

I went out to the garage but the garage door opener wouldn’t work so I couldn’t get my car out of the garage! (Even if I disconnected it, I realized I still wouldn’t be able to get out of the yard because the electric gate wouldn’t open! )

I realized how dependent I was on electricity. It seems everything I do requires it. How can that be?

What did people do before electricity? It hasn’t been around that long – only about 100 years – but my, oh my, how it changed our lives.

I wonder what we don't have now that the next generation won't be able to live without?

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The U. S. Dollar

Wow - the Dow is below 9,000 for the first time in five years!

The high for the year was 4/18/08 - the Dow closed at 12,849

on 10/10/08 it closed at 8,451 !!!

What the heck is going on???

If you don't have any money in the stock market,
Lucky you!

Old Geezer's Mantra:

"My husband can beat your husband at dominoes."

Tacky Party

One of my favorite parties to put on for church is a Tacky party. Everyone dresses tacky,
The food is tacky (green Jell-O, macaroni and cheese, tuna casseroles, decorated cupcakes, etc.), we have a tacky auction (every one brings “white elephant” items and we have a live auction and several tables of silent auction items – the kids LOVE this part of the party) and we even have a tacky talent show (a “gong” show). It is great for the whole family. We give everyone tacky money (we put the Bishop’s face on regular money and Xerox it on green paper. They get ten tacky dollars for coming to the party, 10 tacky dollars if they are dressed tacky, 10 tacky dollars if they brought something for the auction, and 10 tacky dollars if they do a tacky talent .

I come by all this tackiness naturally. I won “Queen of Clash Day” when I was in High School. But even when I’m not trying I can get pretty tacky. Here’s a perfect example:




In the early 80’s I bought this coat for myself (what was I thinking) and liked it so much I bought one for my mother for Christmas. (I should have put it where it belongs – on the bathroom floor!). You can see how much my mother loved it, look how thrilled she was.



Is tackiness inherited? After Jennifer’s Halloween party, my mom asked what she was going to do with the skeletons. She asked if she could “store” them for her. This is what she had in mind. She put this out in front of her house in Hemet (where it is known for being very hot). Then she put four around a card table and had them playing cards. Now who’s the queen of tacky? (Looks like the apple hasn't fallen far from the tree. I guess we were both in the shallow end of the gene pool).

Gypsy Curse

Did you know that the worst card in a Tarot deck is NOT the death card? It is the Seven pentacles card (left). It basically says, “You will get what you want.” Yup. If you got that card you’d be happy, right? What you don’t know is that, “May you get what you want” is a gypsy curse. It’s the worst curse they can bestow upon you. We have the same saying, “Be careful what you wish for, for you shall surely get it.” or as Oscar Wilde put it, "In this world there are only two tragedies. One is not getting what one wants and the other is getting it." Wise people of all ages have come to realize that getting what we want is rarely good for us.

Don’t be the person who spends his life climbing the ladder to success, only to find when he reaches the top, that his ladder was on the wrong building.

When making your plans and dreams, run them by your Heavenly Father before pursuing them. He knows what is best for you. Ask Him to help you see the drawbacks and make a more realistic assessment of your dreams and aspirations. So when you reach your goal, you will be happy with what you got.

- - - - -

(I know what you are thinking..."Where is all this gypsy tarot card stuff coming from?" and "How does she know? " First, it's October and Halloween is coming, so I thought I'd get you in the spirit. Second, My grandmother had some gypsy in her and I guess she passed a little on to me. Also, I've been the gypsy fortune teller at my daughter's halloween party for the last five years and each year I did a little more research so I'd sound authentic. FYI, I have developed a really good gypsy accent. I can read tarot cards, read your palm, read your aura and cast spells. well, not REALLY, but I do a great imitation).

Paul Newman

Paul Newman

(January 26, 1925 – September 26, 2008)

If I had to pick my all-time favorite actor, it would be Paul Newman. The only time I ever saw him in person was when Alan and I were flying home from New York in 1977. We were in first class and he was sitting about two rows ahead of us. At one point during the flight, he was standing in front of the restrooms talking to a stewardess. I figured this was my opportunity to get up close and personal. I said, "excuse me" as I moved past him. After mustering up a little more courage (since I had already broken the ice) I waited until he returned to his seat, then went over and asked him for his autograph. He flatly refused saying, "I don't DO that." in a very rude tone.

I understand how stars must hate people bothering them for their autograph. I've never done it before (or since). But it wasn't like I was bothering him in a restaurant. He was just killing time on a plane. We were in FIRST class, so I wasn't some hick. And, I was seven months pregnant (give the lady some pity Paul).

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Bottom line? I've never liked him since. I didn't go to any more of his movies (I showed him). The best part was my retribution: When we got to Los Angeles, his wife (Joanne Woodward - also a movie star) was waiting for him. He didn't see her and walked right on out to the street. After waiting a few moments, I went up to him and said, "your wife was waiting for you upstairs." Gotcha!
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I never went to any of his movies after that incident. He ticked me off. But I still have a lot of respect for his body of work. He was probably one of the best actors of my time and he'll be missed.

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P.S. He was also a great humanitarian. He started a food line called Newman's Own and donated all the post tax profits to charity (at the time of his death this amounted to over $250 million.)

Have you read my blog yet?

I often wondered why no one ever comments on my blogs. Now I know.

Ills, Wills, and Pills

I’m 63 and my husband is 72. We used to make it a policy not to discuss politics and religion with our friends because sometimes the discussions could get nasty. However, at our age, we’re increasingly more willing to branch out and participate in the current debates because, hey, it’s way more interesting than our usual conversations which seem to be focused on ills, wills, and pills.

Happy Anniversary

Here we are on our 38th wedding anniversary - on our way to the Manhattan Restaurant in La Jolla for the best canelloni in town.

Here are some of my secrets to a successful marriage:

1. Never, ever, ever threaten divorce.

2. Never stomp out of an argument - give yourselves 1 hour to cool off, then try again to work it out (and don't think YOU have to always win).

3. No yelling and screaming - he's in the room. He can hear you. Calm down.

4. Treat him the way you want him to treat you.

5. Mark his calendar for important dates (like birthdays or any other time you expect a gift) so he's less likely to forget. If he still forgets, buy yourself a gift and give him a big kiss thanking him for it.

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I want him to be happy, he wants me to be happy. It's as simple as that.

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Where was God on 9/11?

There were 50,000 people employed at the twin towers of the World Trade Center. 2,603 lost their lives. 94% survived.
There were 23,000 people employed at the Pentagon. Only 125 lost their lives. 99.5% survived.
American Airlines Flight 77 could have carried 289 people. There were only 59 aboard.
American Airlines Flight 11 could have carried 351 people. There were only 88 aboard
United Airlines Flight 175 could have carried 351 people. There were only 59 aboard
United Airlines Flight 93 could have carried 289 people. There were only 40 aboard.
(and these passengers overtook the terrorists and prevented the flight from reaching
its target – saving untold numbers of lives.)
Two other planes were to have participated, but they were grounded after the first wave.

In other words, out of potentially 74,280 directly targeted by the terrorists, 2,974 died - more than 96% survived! Then throw in the potential targets of the last three flights that didn’t reach their destinations and you up the survival percentage to…let’s say, 98, 99%?

Make no mistake. God was there!

(That is not to say that we in any way diminish the losses of that day. All of America will be thinking of those who lost their lives and the families who mourn them. God bless you all.)

Wrinkled was not one of the things I wanted to be when I grew up

So far I’ve managed to keep the wrinkles at bay. Good genes has a lot to do with it, as well as using sun block, and a good moisturizer. But I think the biggest secret to good skin is not smoking or drinking. I can spot a smoker before they ever light up. I know that skin. There is one other secret that most people don’t know about and I’m going to let you in on it: Get rid of your worried/frowny/squinty face and replace it with a smiley one.

My grandfather used to say that after 40 we are responsible for our own face (well, actually Albert Camus said it first). He always used it in the context that we can’t blame what we’ve become on a bad childhood. But I’ve come to realize that there is a literal application. If we live an unhealthy lifestyle, we'll have bad skin and bags under our eyes. If we are a gloomy Gus all the time, our face begins to sag. If we frown all the time, we have frown lines. But if we live right and keep a smile on our face, regardless of what’s going on in our lives, those smiley muscles pull our face up and give us a more youthful look.

So, the next time you look in the mirror and you don’t like what you see – smile.
Photo credit: Dennis Mosner-Thom Lang – card@2008 Avanti Press.Inc

Earth is the insane asylum for the universe

My husband and I used to marvel at the strange friends we had. On the way home from an outing we’d say to each other, “why is everyone we know so different from us?” Our favorite saying became, “All the world is strange* save thee and me, and even thou art a bit strange*.” Then we’d ask ourselves if maybe WE were the ones who were weird. The jury is still out.

It is becoming increasingly evident however, that we must be the weird ones – since in forty years we haven’t met anyone else like us.

*The actual quote used the word “queer” but the quote is from the 1820’s when queer meant strange, odd, etc. It has an entirely different meaning today.

Mood Swings

My husband, being unhappy with my mood swings, bought me a "mood ring" the other day so he would be able to monitor my moods. We've discovered that when I'm in a good mood, it turns green. When I'm in a bad mood, it leaves a big red mark on his forehead. Maybe next time he'll buy me a diamond.

Pithy Words

O’Reilly is always asking for pithy comments and he loves to introduce words to his viewers (his favorite seems to be “bloviate” - which means to speak pompously and excessively). I’d like to suggest these two (from Wikipedia):

Sycophant (from the Greek sykophántēs)- which is a person who, acting in his or her own self interest, attempts to win favor by flattering one or more influential persons, with an undertone that these actions are executed at the cost of his or her own personal pride, principles, and peer respect. Such a manner is called obsequiousness (a noun), or obsequious (an adjective) which means “fawning”.

So, if you don’t mind, instead of calling people a “kiss-ass” or a “brown nose,” (which, to me are quite distasteful), call them what they truly are - a sycophant.

However, to call a person an obsequious sycophant would be redundant and pedantic (and you could even be accused of bloviating). But I wouldn’t let that stop me.

WORK

“Father, I beg of Thee a little task
to dignify my days, ‘tis all I ask.”
Edna St. Vincent Millay

There is an old saying: “The highest reward for man’s toil is not what he gets for it, but what he becomes by it.” I believe that.

I’ve worked enough to know what work is and to appreciate the fact that I don’t have to anymore (Not that what I’ve been doing with the rest of my life hasn’t been work).

I started out working at my grandfather’s hot dog and chili restaurant on the corner of Slauson and Vermont in Los Angeles when I was only eleven years old (holidays and summer vacations until I was fifteen) I waited tables and had to give my tips to the other waitresses who were supporting their families.

I worked at an auto parts store while I was in high school (and sold a whole set of spark plugs to one customer for the price of one plug – who knew they could be so expensive?) I supported myself through college working part time as a “stripper.” (That got your attention!) No, not that kind of stripper. I stripped the tags off the new suits that came in at Robert Hall Clothes. “Stripper” was the actual job title. (Which led to a nickname I’ve had ever since: “Bubbles.”)

You would be surprised to know that I actually applied to work as a female deputy sheriff. I would have escorted prisoners to and from jail to the court house, etc. But I failed the physical exam (two of my lower lumbar were fused and they said I could break my back in training).

I worked for Wells Fargo Bank for six years and was one of the first three female corporate calling officers on the West Coast. (I had my own secretary, use of a bank car, expense account, yada yada yada) Six months after I quit my job (to be a stay at home wife and mother) the Bank called and offered me a position as an assistant vice president in the correspondent banking department. I declined and I’ve never regretted it.

There are a lot of people out looking for work right now, and even more working at jobs that they have no intention of continuing once the economy turns around. In any case, keep this in mind:

There is only one thing worse than to live without working, and that is to work without living.

Teamwork

“Teamwork is a whole lot of people running around working for me.”

I heard this quote on the radio and I laughed. Not because I thought it was funny. I laughed because it is so true. I'd love to be that person, but I have a problem delegating. When I am in charge of something, I have a vision of how I want it done and it seems like any time I ever entrust others, they don’t perform up to my expectations. Even when I hand out the recipes, they don’t turn out the way I prepare them. Three people will make the same dessert and they all look different. I’ve learned that if I want it done a certain way, I have to do it myself – and I’m okay with that. I’m perfectly happy to spend three days running around preparing for a dinner party. I’d really rather do it myself and have control. I sound like a control freak and in some ways I am but if it is a church party, I try to be more flexible. If someone on the committee is passionate about something, I’ll let them do it their way. If they don’t like my music selections, I’ll put them in charge of the music. I know that I have to let people bring food, because that gets them to the function. I pick my battles and try to keep everyone happy. If things don’t go perfectly, I get over it. I don’t sweat the small stuff.

If I’m not in charge, I’m perfectly happy to be part of the team and do the task how the person in charge wants it. I don’t try to push my ideas on anyone – unless they ask.

You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me

I don’t know about you, but I get really irritated with people who say God talks to them.
I think we are all entitled to receive divine inspiration, and I think many of us have had experiences that are very sacred to us. But when someone uses, “I prayed about it and this is what I was told to do” as their reason for turning down a church calling, or anything else they just don’t want to do, I want to smack them. They know that no one is going to argue with a statement like that, so they throw it around whenever it suits them (which is anytime they want to do something that someone else will criticize them for). What they don’t realize is that, yes, we won’t argue with them, but they aren’t really getting away with it because we think less of them in the process.

We’re not jealous. We just think you’re crazy.

You Can Quote Me on That

I am a big fan of quotes (some of my favorites are in the margin). I’ve come up with some pretty clever ones myself. How do you like these:

“If you spend the present dreaming about the future, you’ll have no past.”

“Today is the day I spend ticking off the list I made yesterday of things to do tomorrow.”

“If you want to have something tomorrow to remember about yesterday, you have to do something today.”

“If you want fond memories when you are old and gray, you must make the most of living each and every day.”

(I wrote all those the same day – obviously. I was on a roll. )

I think this one is pretty good too:

“Too many people worry about tomorrow. I say, live your life today so that if that bad tomorrow comes, you can say, at least I had yesterday.”

“Humility is one of my most outstanding characteristics. It is the thing I’m most proud of in my life.” (come on – you know this is hilarious)

“Sometimes I worry that I spend more time writing about my life than living it.”

Maybe one of these quotes will be in a book of quotations one day – but, I’ll probably never get credit for it. It will be listed as “author unknown.” … but YOU will know it was me!

Act Your Age

Is this the look you were going for? Really?

I was at the mall today and I was surprised at what the forty-plus crowd was wearing.

In our attempts to look and feel younger, we often go too far without realizing it. I love Juicy Couture – but I know better than to try to wear anything with writing on my butt.
Anyone over the age of forty has no business wearing Juicy clothing, leggings as pants, Croc shoes, or backpacks. There is a certain sophistication that comes with aging. That’s one thing we shouldn’t give up in our attempt to stop the clock.

And P.S. if you think you look “cool” because your teenage daughter tells you so, think again. Teenagers have no taste. If you dress like your daughter, people will think you are on your way to a Halloween party. You should be setting an example for your children and teaching them what is acceptable and what is not. You’re the mom – act like one.

Read what this hilarious blogger has to say about this topic:

"1. Writing on your bottom: This is a no brainer. If I had something written on my tush it would probably read "Wide Load" or "Wet Paint". This is one of those fashion trends that I thought was rather ridiculous to begin with.

2. String bikini: HAHAHA! Oo! I think I ruptured something there. No one, not even me, wants to see this pasty white body in a string bikini."

for more, go to: (a mild woman’s ramblings..)

As for me, I'm saving the Juicy derrière for my dreams.

I can dream can't I?

The Bill of NON Rights

Just wanted to share a "New preamble to the Constitution" and "The Bill of NON Rights" with you all. They are both at: http://www.billofnonrights.blogspot.com/ . Enjoy!

08/08/08

8 is my daughter Amy's favorite number because if you turn it sideways, it is the symbol of "infinity." Here she is on 08/08/08 with her husband, Kyle, and their two children, Emmy (6 mos.) and Lincoln (2.2 years old).

America is at the mall

What a difference 60 years makes!!!

I know everyone has a different opinion on the war and our current President. But, this article makes a lot of sense, and I hope you will take 2 minutes and read it and give it some thought.

This is from: 'You ain't gonna like losing.' Author unknown.

"President Bush did make a bad mistake in the war on terrorism. But the mistake was not his decision to go to war in Iraq. Bush's mistake came in his belief that this country is the same one his father fought for in WWII. It is not.

Back then, they had just come out of a vicious depression. The country was steeled by the hardship of that depression, but they still believed fervently in this country.

When WWII broke out the people came together, rallied behind, and stuck with their leaders, whether they had voted for them or not or whether the war was going badly or not.

And war was just as distasteful and the anguish just as great then as it is today. Often there were more casualties in one day in WWII than we have had in the entire Iraq war. But that did not matter. The people stuck with the President because it was their patriotic duty. Americans put aside their differences in WWII and worked together to win that war.

Everyone from every strata of society, from young to old pitched in. Small children pulled little wagons around to gather scrap metal for the war effort. Grade school students saved their pennies to buy stamps for war bonds to help the effort.

Men who were too old or medically 4F lied about their age or condition trying their best to join the military. Women doubled their work to keep things going at home. Harsh rationing of everything from gasoline to sugar, soap and butter was imposed, yet there was very little complaining.

You never heard prominent people on the radio belittling the President. Interestingly enough in those days there were no fat-cat actors and entertainers who ran off to visit and fawn over dictators of hostile countries and complain to them about our President. Instead, they made upbeat films and entertained our troops to help the troops' morale. And many enlisted.

And imagine this: Teachers in schools actually started the d ay off with a Pledge of Allegiance, and with prayers for our country and our troops!

Back then, no newspaper would have dared complain about what we were doing to catch spies.

A newspaper would have been laughed out of existence if it had complained that German or Japanese soldiers were being 'tortured' by being forced to wear women's underwear, or subjected to interrogation by a woman, or being scared by a dog or did not have air conditioning.

No, President Bush did not make a mistake in his handling of terrorism. He made the mistake of believing that we still had the courage and fortitude of our fathers. He believed that this was still the country that so many have died for, so many of fathers and members of our family fought so dearly to preserve.

It is not the same country. We did unite for a short while after 9/11, but our attitude changed when we found out that defending our country would require some sacrifices.

We are now in great danger. The terrorists are fanatic Muslims. They believe that it is okay, yes, even their duty, to kill anyone who will not convert to Islam. It has been estimated that about one-third or over three hundred million Muslims are sympathetic to the terrorists cause. So, we either win it - or we lose it - and you ain't gonna like losing.

America is not at war. The military is at war.
America is at the mall."

Is Our Trust in Technology Misplaced?

Just how much should we trust technology? Here are some of my experiences - you decide.

I’m a pretty good speller, but I still run all my Word documents through Spell-check. But is that enough? Spell-check won’t catch words that you’ve misused or words that have different meanings if they are spelled differently, such as principal and principle, or stationary and stationery. (In these two cases I use tricks I learned in school: the principal of the school is our “pal” verses a principle we follow is a “rule” which ends in le. Stationery referring to paper, ends in er whereas a stationary object is one that stays in place so use a.) So trust in Spell-check, but be sure to do your own proof-reading as well.
Another example is the translating software. My daughter served a Spanish-speaking mission so I thought I’d surprise her with a letter in Spanish. I typed up the letter into the software program and sure enough, it translated it for me. I didn’t bother to proof read it because I had faith in technology.

Unfortunately when I told my daughter to “always teach with the spirit” and “have the spirit with her always,” the Spanish translation of spirit was “alcohol” – which was definitely NOT what I had in mind. Had I bothered to proof the letter before I sent it, I would have caught the error.
When my daughter was at BYU, I thought I’d send a valentine she and her room mates could all enjoy so I ordered a bouquet of chocolate roses from an online vendor and had them sent with a note saying “Amy, this is for you and your room mates to enjoy.” She called me and said, “What kind of sicko freako are you?” Turns out that the online store was out of chocolate roses so they sent chocolate body massage instead (which said:
“Enjoy a tasty full body massage and whatever else it may lead to.” Again, definitely NOT what I had in mind.

Bottom line: I don’t trust technology to do anything anymore.

There ought to be a law...

 

Come on people. How many 62 year olds do you know that could pull this off? A bikini? At HER age? (and this is a current photo of Helen Mirren - taken this summer). Dang I hate her. Even if I wired my jaw shut and lost 50 pounds I wouldn't look this good. I only looked this good one day in my life and I have a photo to prove it - but you don't get to see it ... unless I get three comments begging me to post it. Then I "might" consider it. Oh heck, I'll post it just to show that I really did once have the goods.  The problem is, even though she's thirty something years older than I was in my best shot, I'm afraid she'd still win.

This brings back the memory of another sad story: the best looking woman at my 40th high school reunion was...my art teacher! It's a sad day when, after forty years, a TEACHER is better looking than any of her former students.

(I'm pinning Helen's photo up on my fridge - maybe it will motivate me to quit "grazing")

The Dark Knight = Satan!

I saw the Batman movie a few days ago and I didn’t like it. I thought it was TOO dark. But I thought that was just me. Amy and Kyle saw it tonight and Amy hit the nail on the head when she said the Joker was Satan. He wasn't motivated by money or power - his only motivation was to turn good into evil. Amy didn’t just “not like” the movie - She hated it. She said it was not only dark, it was so dark that the spirit actually left her. The spirit couldn’t be in a place that dark. She came home, turned on a taped session of General Conference, and started throwing away all her DVD’s that had any “questionable” scenes (Grease, Sixteen Candles, Night at the Roxbury, etc.) because she didn’t want her kids to watch movies with those scenes in them. At first I thought she was over reacting, then I said, “You know, I think you are doing the right thing because it is just like the analogy of the frogs. If you put frogs in boiling water they would hop right out. But if you put them in cold water and increased the temperature just one degree at a time, they’d continue to be comfortable until it was too late. They wouldn’t realize when the water got hot enough to kill them. Each time we see a movie with a scene in it that is uncomfortable, we just ignore it thinking it’s not that bad and the next time we see a similar scene, we don’t even get uncomfortable.”

Parents, don’t let your kids go to this movie!!! I’m sorry I went. It should have been rated “R”

A Mighty Change of Heart

I visited another ward’s gospel doctrine class today because somebody I knew was teaching the class (my daughter). It was an awesome lesson (in my unbiased opinion) – jammed packed with spiritual jewels. Basically, she talked about the difference between “belief” and “conversion.” The difference being that when we are converted to the gospel we are compelled to act: To change our ways and follow the Lord. There was one analogy in particular that has been playing and replaying in my mind that I’d like to share with you. She asked the class if any of them had ever tried to go up a down escalator. It takes a concerted effort. If you stop moving forward, you immediately get dragged down. She likened that to trying to follow Christ. We have to be continuously moving forward, upward toward our Father in Heaven. If we stop, we get dragged down by Satan and worldly desires. She challenged us to pick one thing to work on for 21 days. It didn’t have to be anything big like quit smoking or drinking. It could be something like controlling our anger, being kinder to our family and friends. Whatever we choose we must make a sincere effort to improve that quality in our lives. Since I’m perfect, I don’t have anything to work on…oh wait, I guess that’s my problem. It’s that old “pride” thing again. I guess I have to quit thinking I’m so perfect. But for 21 days…come on.

In keeping with this subject. Here is a list we received from our Bishop enumerating the qualities that indicate a change of heart:

1. Faith crowds out doubt
2. Fear, worry, and insecurity are replaced by peace, self assurance, and self confidence
3. We have no disposition to do anything outside of the will of God
4. We develop an unquenchable desire to serve and help others
5. We generate an uncompromising fidelity to worthy causes
6. We are content in any of life’s circumstances
7. Time becomes precious and is used in worthwhile endeavors
8. We have a keen desire to align our lives with what God would have us do
9. There is a constant striving to realize our full potential here in mortality
10. Our relationships take priority over self centered desires
11. There is a striving for truth and the Spirit that conveys it truly becomes a constant companion
12. The tendency to be critical of others is replaced with a desire to be encouraging to those around us
13. Our ability to live in the present and hope for the future is strengthened
14. The Word of Wisdom takes on new meaning
15. Things of the Spirit overshadow the vain things of the world
16. We develop a great desire to be in the Temple
17. The adversary’s influence in our lives becomes ineffective
18. It is impossible to offend us
19. Our desire to share the Gospel impels us to action
20. Our countenances change to reflect the light of Christ
21. Optimism becomes a constant and enduring quality in our lives
22. We are reminded often of the love God has for us
23. We adopt the Atonement of Christ as a central and fundamental part of our life here in mortality
24. We communicate with God continually
25. We generate a desire to put everything around us in order
26. Repentance becomes a daily activity

Stars Without Makeup

Okay girlfriends, are you ready for this? Apparently we can all be 100% better looking. All we need is a make up lesson.

This is just a teaser. For more, go to: starswithoutmakeup.blogspot.com

2-Ingredient Cookie Recipe!

A two-year old could make these cookies - Heck, even my mother can make these cookies*

2-Ingredient Macaroons

1 (14 oz.) package Angel Flake Coconut

1 can sweetened condensed milk (not evaporated milk)

Mix and drop by tablespoon (or use about a 2" melon-baller) on a cookie sheet sprayed with Pam (or use parchment paper). Bake at 325 for 12 minutes or until lightly browned.

Gourmet Variation: you can add a whole almond on top of each before you bake, and then when the cookies cool, either dip or drizzle them with melted chocolate...voila....Almond Joys!

*I say this because my mother doesn't cook. At one time she seriously was considering remodeling her kitchen and taking out the stove because she never used it. She was trying to think of what she could use that room for instead of cooking. I finally convinced her that if she ever wanted to sell her house, no one would buy a house with no kitchen. She abandoned the project. (I gave her a cookbook one year for Christmas that said, "My Favorite Recipes" and when you opened it, it was all blank pages). She has gotten together with her friends four times a year for forty years to play bridge. They rotate who brings the treat - except my mother has been exempt because they all know she doesn't cook. But my mom surprised them once by bringing a pie she had seen in Family Circle Magazine. It was an ice cream pie. All you had to do was put your favorite ice cream in a frozen pie shell and put canned whipped cream on it. One of her friends said, "Betty brought the pie." My mom said, "How did you know?" She said, "because you're supposed to BAKE the pie shell first!"

Note: If YOU have a great 2 or 3 ingredient recipe, I WANT it! Put it in a "comment" to me. Thanks

Measure of a Man

I watched the movie "The Bucket List" again last night and something hit me that I missed the first time. " It's difficult to measure the sum of a person's life. I believe you should measure yourself by the people who measure themselves by you." That is really a profound statement and deserves some reflection.

Most people in today's world measure themselves by how much money they make and/or have accumulated. It's like they believe that whoever has the most toys when they die, wins. But you'll never see a Brink's truck following a hearse. We can't take our money with us when we die, but we can take our integrity.

Are you measuring up to your expectations? Have you taken the time to evaluate your expectations to determine whether they are "worthy" or "worldly?" It's never too late to set worthy goals.

You are 20% better looking than you think!

The next time you look at yourself in the mirror say, "I'm 20 percent better-looking than I think. " It's true. And here's the reason. While you're just looking at your appearance, others see your charisma, intellect, kindness, -- whatever makes you, you.

This was the big news today on AOL. Genius. It IS true. I know a lot of people that I think of as really beautiful - but if you analyze their looks or showed a photo of them to someone who didn't know them, you'd have to say they were just average looking.

The best example I can think of was the Homecoming Queen at my high school. We all thought she was beautiful - because we knew her. When my daughter's see my high school annual they say, "She was the homecoming queen?"

So I say, instead of trying to improve your looks with makeup, botox, or cosmetic surgery, try being a little kinder, more considerate, more tolerant, etc.

"...the Lord seeth not as man seeth; for man looketh on the outward appearance, but the Lord looketh on the heart." I Samuel 16:7

Do the very best you can - Always.

I’ve been thinking a lot lately about a true story that my sister-in-law told me several years ago. She had a friend who was an orthopedic surgeon. One day, after an exhausting day of surgeries, he was about to leave to go home when he was paged to report to surgery again. There had been an accident and a sixteen year old girl had an injury that would most likely cause her leg to be amputated. He answered the call and immediately went to work. He could have taken the easiest and quickest route – amputating the leg. But he had a sixteen year old daughter himself and he knew he had to try to save the leg if he could. After the surgery, he again prepared to go home and one of the nurses stopped and asked him, “how is your daughter?” He looked confused so she said, “The girl they brought in that you did surgery on was your daughter. Didn’t anyone tell you?”

You can imagine what was going through his head. “Did I do everything I could? Would I have done anything differently if I had known she was my daughter?” Fortunately he could answer “yes” and “no.”

We can always think of an easier, quicker way to do the things we do. But we don’t always know what could have been if we had gone the extra mile and done it the best we knew how. You have probably heard the story (don’t know if this is true or just a fable told to make a point) about the wealthy man who felt sorry for a home builder who was struggling so he thought he’d help him out by having him build a home. The wealthy man told the builder to spare no expense. But the builder took advantage of him. He submitted receipts for top of the line materials, but substituted inferior quality materials and pocketed the difference (probably justifying his actions by thinking the wealthy man could afford it and he needed money). When the home was completed, the wealthy man handed the builder the keys to the house and said, “The house is yours. Enjoy it.”

I’m sure the builder's heart sank when he thought back on all the shortcuts he’d made. Now that the home was his, he wished he had done it right.

We don’t get “overs” in life. Things are what we make it. Why not make it the very best we can.

Punctuality

I am an on-time person. I hate to be late and I hate others who are late. I think it is not

only rude but self-centered to make everyone wait for you. The trouble with being

punctual, however, is that nobody’s there to appreciate it.

Chick Flicks

I love chick flicks. I love the actors in chick flicks: Julia Roberts, Meg Ryan, Sandra Bullock, Tom Hanks, Hugh Grant,…Patrick Dempsey. I called my daughter after seeing “Made of Honor” and told her I had my photo taken with Patrick Dempsey (above). She got all excited – then I had to fess up. She said, “I always wondered what kind of lamo person would do that – now I know.” My favorite chick flicks of all time are: The Holiday, While You Were Sleeping, Sleepless in Seattle, Much Ado About Nothing, Pride and Prejudice (I even liked “Bride” and Prejudice – the Bollywood-style musical version starring Aishwarya Rai), The Devil Wears Prada, Pretty Woman, Bridget Jones, Four Weddings and a Funeral, The American President, Something's Got to Give, My Big Fat Greek Wedding…and, if you really want to go back a few years, how about Pillow Talk? What did I leave out?

EXERCISING

You say "exercise," I say, "wash your mouth!" I run every morning….to the bathroom. I hate anything that even resembles exercise. I get guilted into an exercise class from time to time (the longest was a personal trainer that Jennifer and I went to. She’s been going for years – I lasted four weeks) and I’ve purchased numerous workout tapes (which are still in their shrink wrap) but I’ve never stuck with any program, ever.

I’ve owned a Life Cycle and a tread mill. Probably put in a total of 60 minutes on each then gave them away after about five years collecting dust.

Jennifer talked me into taking a boxing class with her – I even bought red boxing gloves (not pink like most of the sissy ladies – what kind of warrior would wear pink boxing gloves?) But I only lasted about four weeks.

I was determined to get on a walking program. I probably stuck with that longer than anything I’ve ever tried. But quit that too and have no desire to start again.

The last time I went to an aerobics class, I bent, I twisted, I jumped up and down and sweat a ton and by the time I got my leotard on, the class was over.

It is not that I don’t have the time to exercise. I just don’t want to.

So, yeah, summer is here and I'm not in swimsuit shape. So what. Even if I lost 40 pounds nobody would want to see me in a swimsuit anyway.

Yum. Is that chocolate you're eating? I'll have some.

(Anybody know where this fitness center is? Looks like my kind of place.)

Talents

President Gordon B. Hinckley said, “You need never feel inferior. You need never feel that you were born without talents or without opportunities to give them expression. Cultivate whatever talents you have and they will grow and refine and become an expression of your true self appreciated by others.” (from his book, One Bright Shining Hope) .

“Thou shalt not idle away thy time, neither shalt thou bury thy talent that it may not be known.” D & C 60:13

Too many people feel that because they can’t play an instrument, or they can’t dance or sing, that they have no talent. I can’t do any of those things but I consider myself very talented. I have a talent for putting others at ease, for being a good listener, for seeing what others need and trying to provide it, for showing my love for others, for being a good friend, etc. There are so many other talents. So, let’s have some fun with this one.

Make a list of all the things you are good at and/or enjoy doing. Could you do it professionally? Would you want to? For instance, I love to arrange flowers. I could be a florist (but would I want to? No). I love to plan parties. I could be a wedding planner (hum, I actually think I'd have fun doing that...unless the bride had her own ideas of what she wanted ... nevermind.) You get the idea.

(I won First Place in my division and a "Special Award" for overall best entry for my floral arrangement and table setting at the Rancho Santa Fe Garden Club's Flower Show)

Talk About "Sick" and "Twisted"...

When I say "sick," I'm speaking the way the judges who judge dancing competitions speak when they mean, "totally awesome." They also use words like, "stupid" and "ridiculous" to mean, "you're the best dancer we've seen today." If you missed the premier of "So You Think You Can Dance," you HAVE to watch this video - ALL of it. it starts out slow, but keep watching. It is worth it. (if you don't have time to watch the whole 4-1/2 minutes - fast forward it and watch it from 3 minlutes on). This guy is like no one you have ever seen in your life. I had the original clip from the show, but it kept disappearing from my site so I put this one up because he does all the same moves. (I know, videos aren't "blogs" but I wanted to save this video somewhere so I'm putting it here so you can enjoy it as well. - -You're welcome).

Criticism

I don’t like to be criticized for anything anytime. I don’t take it well. I get defensive. If someone accuses me of something, my response is, “It happened before I was born!”

Unfortunately, the only way to avoid criticism is to say nothing, do nothing and be nothing.
Sorry, I just can’t do that. So, I would rather be criticized by a very wise person, than have the enthusiastic approval of a fool.

Perfection

If no one and nothing is perfect, why do we try so hard to make it so? My house isn’t always perfect (and I don’t care – it’s good enough for company). My kids aren’t really perfect (at least that is what others would have me believe), and I’m not perfect (well I am, but I’m not at liberty to say that – however you may feel free to think it if you’d like and I won’t argue with you). But when I start a project, any project, I go into it trying to make it perfect. It won’t be, but if that is my goal, then it will turn out a whole lot better than if I just go at it half way.

The good thing about me is that when things don’t turn out perfect, I don’t beat myself up over it. I know that I did everything I could and the rest has to be up to whoever else is involved. There is always going to be somebody who slacks off. There are a lot of people who say they want to help, but when you ask them to do something, they don’t do it. I keep the receipt and don’t ever ask them again. When I really need something to be done, and done right, I know who to call. (That’s why there is an old saying that if you want something done, ask the busiest person you know, not the one who has nothing else to do. Believe me – that it true!)

My advice to you is not to hold yourself up to anyone else’s standard. Just like golf, if you try to play up to the club champion’s level, you’ll feel like a failure. Every golfer is competing only with himself and trying to improve his own game.

Rappin' Grandma

One thing you'd be surprised to learn about me is that I am very fly. I've got the down low on J Lo, Lohan, and Brangelina. I'm even into gangsta rap! (Push play on the "Tea Partay" video link to kick it old school!)

(I know it's a joke - don't send me "You're retarded" e-mails.) I'm blogging aren't I? I have a My Space page. How cool am I?

Word from yo' mutha! Peace out.

Conspicuous Consumption

How’s this for one-uping the Joneses:

Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston spent $1 million on their wedding
Michael Douglas & Catherine Zeta Jones = $1.5 to $2 million
Donald Trump’s wedding to Melania cost $4 million (her dress alone was $200,000) -that, of course, doesn't count the
. . .$35 million it cost him to build the ballroom he added to his home to house the reception.
Not to be outdone, Tom Cruise & Katie Holmes wedding was rumored to be $5 million
The richest man in Australia (James Packer) was rumored to have spent $6 million

(Do I hear $7 Million? )

It’s not just weddings that get out of hand. Naomi Campbell spent $1.8 million for her 36th birthday party in Dubai (can’t wait to see what she does for her 40th).

Malcolm Forbes spent $2.5 million on his 70th birthday (he flew 800 of the world's rich and famous (including Elizabeth Taylor, who was his co-host) to the Tangiers event.

Kimora Lee Simmons spent $30,000 on her Christmas tree!

Donatella Versace never leaves the house without wearing at least $190,000 worth of jewelry.

You can buy a $5,000 hamburger in Las Vegas at the Fleur de Lys in Mandalay Bay. It is a Kobe burger containing foie gras, a truffle sauce, and is served on a brioche truffle bun with black truffles on the side. It comes with champagne (you get to keep the glass) and a certificate proving your purchase (so you can brag to all your friends ). Vegas also boasts a $1,000 martini (at the Capital Grille in Las Vegas.) The "High Roller," named for the Vegas Strip, includes a diamond pave ring. For each cocktail sold, about $500 goes to Share our Strength, a charity that battles hunger around the globe. I'm not a drinker myself, but if you are, you might want to try it. Ingredients: 1 1/2 oz vodka, 3/4 oz Grand Marnier® orange liqueur, 2 - 3 drops grenadine syrup, and 4 oz orange juice.

Chicago has a $950 Ruby Red Martini created by Pete Gugni, a manager at the trendy Reserve Club in downtown Chicago (it is garnished with a 1 carat ruby at the bottom of the glass). Again, for you drinkers out there who are curious, here's the recipe:

Ruby Red Martini Recipe:

Stir together these ingredients (the gemstone is optional):

1.5 ounces Grey Goose L'Orange vodka

0.5 ounce Hpnotiq cognac

0.5 ounce orange juice

0.25 ounce Pama (pomegranate) liqueur

A splash Dom Perignon champagne ($120 to $130 a bottle)

If you want a vacation to top all vacations, you can take a 10-day trip to the International Space Station for $20 million and for an extra $15 million you can take a 90-minute walk in space. Now that’s an out-of-this-world vacation!

In the affluent community of Rancho Santa Fe, the Brandes flew in Elton John to perform at their wedding (he gave them a red piano and autographed it in gold ink). Paul McCartney was flown in for Wendy Whitworth’s 40th birthday party - they’ve since divorced. ( “Can’t buy me love”)

Even with all the conspicuous consumption going on, when asked what they really really want, they will all tell you: “good health, happy children, and peace of mind.” (yeah, right). When I consider how those funds could have been used for more humanitarian purposes, it grieves me. I don't think these "peacocks" would spend their money in this manner if there were not others to watch and envy them. To me, ostentatious living is vulgar.
(Note to any wanna be peacocks out there, ...a whale only gets harpooned when it comes up to spout.)

I think this is what the Lord was cautioning us about when he warned us that although we must live IN the world, we are not to be OF the world. We are called to a higher standard.

Letter to My Younger Self:

When I was sixteen, I wrote a letter to myself to be read when I turned twenty-one. Then when I was twenty-one, I wrote a letter to myself to be read when I turned thirty. It was interesting to see what was important to me and what I thought I would be doing at the next stage of my life – compared to what I was “actually” doing. It never occurred to me to write a letter to my “younger” self. However, after reading “What I know Now” I’ve been thinking about what advice I would give to myself if I could go back in time knowing what I know now.

I would talk to my thirty-year-old self and say, “you are NOT fat, you are NOT stupid, you are NOT dorky. Quit comparing yourself to what you think you should be. Enjoy the piece of chocolate that is in your mouth right now instead of thinking about what you’re going to choose to eat next, and after that. There is always going to be someone who is better looking than you, thinner than you, smarter than you, and richer than you – don’t even think about them. Focus on your own talents and continually look for ways to share that talent with others. Don’t dwell on the past. Don’t dwell on the future. Live in the present – because really, that’s what each day is - a present (gift). Open it with enthusiasm in the morning and put it away each night looking forward to what tomorrow morning will bring you (what new challenge? What new opportunity?). Do everything you do to the best of your ability. You are stronger than you think. Don't let fear hold you back. The consequences of all that you fear are not nearly as bad as the regret of what is missed while standing on the sidelines. You are better than you think you are and you will accomplish more than you ever thought possible.”

I thought I was fat because when I watched the Miss America pageants the contestants that were my height (5’9”) weighed 115 lbs and I weighed 135 lbs. I thought I had no talents because I couldn’t sing, dance or play the piano (I didn’t know being thoughtful, kind, and a good listener were talents). I thought I was stupid because I had a short-term memory. I did well in school until it came time for finals at the end of the year. I had to study all the material over again because I couldn’t remember what I had learned at the beginning of the semester. I thought I was a dork because most of my friends were dorks (I was always nice to the kids that the other kids picked on). Now I look at photos of my younger self and want to kick my butt.

$50 Million Dollar Charitable Donation

I was watching Lipstick Jungle last night (I know, I’m a loser) and the multi-billionaire boyfriend bought a Van Gogh painting at auction for $50 million dollars. That really got my blood boiling. If I had $50 million that didn’t mean anything to me, I’d rather see it do some good for society. But what would I do? I think I’d rather give one million to fifty causes than to give it all to one. What do you think?

How about a compromise: I think the first thing I would do is buy (or build) an apartment complex to provide free housing for the homeless – probably two: one in a residential area for families with children and a different one near a treatment center for those with drug and/or alcohol addictions, or mental problems. Then with whatever was left, I’d do things for children ( a million each to: the Make a Wish Foundation, the Ronald McDonald House, local foster care facilities, Cystic Fibrosis, Special Olympics, etc.)

If I were going to start a charity, I’d want to help families who have had to declare bankruptcy due to medical expenses incurred trying to cure, or manage, a family member’s illness (childhood cancers, deformities, etc.) I’d want to help them get back on their feet again (buy a home, college fund for children, etc.)

What would YOU do???

"Millenial's"

I’ve always considered myself a “baby boomer” even though I was born a few years before the official start of that generation. The “Greatest Generation” ended in 1924, so I can’t lay claim to that one. Generation X is from 1965 to 1982 - Not it. There really isn’t a name for us in-betweeners (except maybe “pot heads” – and I wasn’t one of those) unless you just want to call us “Tweeners” (and I don’t like the sound of that – so I’m sticking with “baby boomer” ).

The next generation of note is the “Millenial’s” – those born between 1980 and 2000. Seems to me this tag should have started with those born in 2000 – but no one asked me. Their claim to fame is that they are the Luxury generation. There’s an expectation that they deserve luxury now – it’s not something you wait for and earn. They are called the prematurely affluent generation. (I want to be them).

I’ve always wondered who was buying all the Louis Vuitton’s, Chanel’s, Gucci’s, etc. The ads in the magazines always feature extremely chic attractive young women. I thought it was their way of saying, “if you buy our products you’ll look like this.” But now I realize that what they are saying is, “if you look like this, buy our products.” That is their target demographic.

I know what you're thinking..."Only in America...." But, no. It's even bigger in China and Saudi Arabia.

What I want to know is this….who’s paying for it???? How can twenty somethings afford this lifestyle? I’m baffled.

Minimize Your Regrets

We've all said or done things we wish we hadn't. For us average blokes, those things slip under the radar and don't come back to haunt us - but you never know. The minute you become a person of interest, all hell can break loose.

I was watching the Doctor Phil show a few weeks ago and he said something that should be written down on a sticky note and stuck on every bathroom mirror around the globe: "When you choose the behavior, you choose the consequences."

I'll bet you a nickel President Clinton wishes he had given a little forethought to his decision to engage in a little foreplay in the oval office - and Eliot Spitzer wishes he hadn't hooked up with a hooker.

My mother wasn't big on giving me advice when I was growing up. But the one thing I remember was her telling me not to do anything that could come back to haunt me later. She said, "you don't know now what you will be doing in the future. What if you marry someone who has political aspirations and runs for office and the press finds out you experimented with drugs, or there are nude photos of you floating around somewhere." I took that counsel to heart and never went down those roads (or anything close to them). I'm a happier person as a result of the choices I've made in my life.

Think before you act and you will minimize your regrets.

Shoes, shoes, and more shoes....

What is it with women and shoes? Why do we buy into the hype? Pointed toes so sharp they could poke the eye out of a spider, heels so high we can't walk in them - there are even women who have surgery on their feet in order to fit into Manolo Blahniks. I remember the day the New York Times blasted Imelda Marcos for owning 300 pair of shoes. Women across America were in their closets counting and whispering, "and the problem with that is...?"

I owned a pair of shoes once that I adored. They were absolutely adorable wedges. Unfortunately, they weren't very stable and I fell three times before I finally threw them out. It wasn't the falls that deterred me - fashion took precedence over falling...until I actually hurt myself and required stitches - that's when I finally made the decision to toss them.

My biggest problem with shoes has been trying to find them in my size. I've always been on the outer limits of the manufacturer's size charts: I graduated from high school wearing a size 9 AA shoe. After I had Amy I wore a 9-1/2 AA. After Jennifer, a 10 AA. By the time I was 50 I wore a 10-1/2 AA. The last pair I bought was an 11. (They'll have to bury me barefoot - it's dang hard to find a shoe bigger than a size 11)

(footnote: I did a little research and found out that Imelda Marcos was actually accused of having 3,000 pair of shoes. But she vehemently denied that. She said she only had 1,060)

Dirt

I may lose a few of you here. You may think I’m headed for the funny farm. (deep breath) I collect dirt. Not salacious gossip kind of dirt. The brown stuff you plant things in. I started collecting dirt when I was in high school and embarked on my first travel abroad. I went to Greece and Turkey. I was sitting on the steps of the Parthenon on the Acropolis and noticed all the tiny specs of marble in the dirt. I thought to myself, “This marble used to be part of the Parthenon. How cool would it be to take some home with me.” So, I reached in my backpack, took out a film canister and scooped up a tablespoon full and labeled it. From then on, I would bring back a film canister of dirt from where ever I traveled. I later found some clear plastic test tubes and transferred all my dirt and relabeled them. A friend of mine made a special display case for me and voila - A dirt collection.

Before you get all excited and decide to start your own dirt collection, I have to warn you: Some places (like the Parthenon) are on to us. There are actually signs posted now warning tourists not to take the dirt! (I guess if everyone who went there did that, the Parthenon would be on flat land instead of a hill. If I ever go there again, maybe I'll bring the dirt back...or not.)

My Favorite Joke:

I know, a joke is not a blog. But hey, blogs should be entertaining right? I don't know about you, but I seem to be on everyone's mass mailing list for jokes and I get hundreds of ridiculous e-mails. I usually delete them without even reading them. However, once in a while (when I'm bored) I'll read them. Here's one that I was glad I read:

Mr. and Mrs. smith went to the doctor's office. after Mr. smith's checkup, the doctor called his wife into his office alone for a chat.

The doctor said, "if you don't do the following, your husband will surely die. Every morning, make him a healthy breakfast; do your utmost to keep him in a good mood; for every lunch, make sure he has a balanced meal; for dinners, serve him full courses with a glass of wine; don't burden him with chores; don't worry him with your problems; and most importantly, shower him with kisses at least several times a day and be sure to satisfy his needs."

On the way home, Mr. Smith asked his wife what the doctor had told her.

"He said you're going to die." she replied.

My Heroes:

Our founding fathers signing the Declaration of Independence

Who are my heroes? Do I look up to movie stars, rock stars, sports figures, or politicians? No (although looking at their salaries one would assume that those are truly our idols). I suppose I used to think they were pretty special, but the older I get, the more I realize that they are not that terribly important. the people I most admire are those that put everything on the line for what they believe in: The soldiers who are risking their lives every day in Iraq: The firemen who ran up the stairs of the Twin Towers on 9/11; Policemen who work in dangerous communities; People who live a life of service (school teachers, nurses, soccer coaches, people who work with the blind, handicapped, deaf, etc., people who volunteer at the special Olympics) - these are the people I most admire.

Who am I forgetting? I know, our founding fathers risked their lives for us as well - and I truly do admire them. Unfortunately, there are none like them today. Who am I kidding - there has NEVER been anyone like them since (what a sad commentary on our political history).

Chocolate

Women are obsessed with chocolate. We make up any excuse to eat it (as evidenced by this article which made its way around the country via e-mails)

”Chocolate is a vegetable: Chocolate is derived from cocoa beans. Bean is a vegetable. Sugar is derived from either sugar CANE or sugar BEETS. Both are plants, which places them in the vegetable category. Thus, chocolate is a vegetable.

To go one step further, chocolate candy bars also contain milk, which is dairy. So candy bars are a health food. Chocolate-covered raisins, cherries, orange slices and strawberries all count as fruit, so eat as many as you want. If you've got melted chocolate all over your hands, you're eating it too slowly.

The problem: How to get 2 pounds of chocolate home from the store in a hot car.
The solution: Eat it in the parking lot.

Diet tip: Eat a chocolate bar before each meal. It'll take the edge off your
appetite, and you'll eat less.

Chocolate has many preservatives. Preservatives make you look younger. Put "eat chocolate" at the top of your list of things to do today. That way, at least you'll get one thing done. A nice box of chocolates can provide your total daily intake of calories in one place. Now, isn't that handy?

(By the way, ‘Stressed’ spelled backward is ‘desserts.’ )”

Me? I'm following in the footsteps of the world's oldest woman. She eats two pounds of chocolate a week!